Bubble?

This is a bit of a ramble. I’ve finally got new glasses so can actually spend time on the laptop and write again without getting a migraine. Woo!

Three and a half years is a long time to be constantly on the run, hiding from Covid mostly but the reality is that the need for constant motion is starting to wear a little thin now. It’s really been more like 5 years now since I started this itinerant lifestyle, bouncing backwards and forward between Antarctica and the rest of the world. For the most part it’s been a success but I’m realising now that a heavy price has been paid for the freedom that seemed so important to me back then. That price is time.

Family and friends have fallen out of touch and become strangers, relationships abandoned, peolple hurt, social circles have been broken, milestone life events missed, introversion and isolation increasingly addictive. The small happy world I’d created has continued shrinking and is fast becoming a prison.

What I’m finding more and more is that the disconnection I’d been looking for is exactly the opposite of what was actually needed but still I struggle against that connection – actively. It keeps me awake at night. At least that makes me human I guess.

I’ve taken some time out this year (yeah what else is new) and havent worked since February. Just been hanging out in Christchurch, New Zealand doing nothing more interesting than just living, telling myself that it’s just to become normal again. Reintegrate. The truth is I’m a little paralysed still – this time the paralysis is coming from a compulsion to wrap myself up tighter in this little blanket of ‘alone’ and bounce. Does this come from fear? Maybe. Of what though? I’m starting to put down roots here (or at least a good part of me is). A smaller part rages against that and is constantly trying to talk me out of it. Making up stupid reasons. Filling my head with noise. The dullness of normal routine and the thought of a 9-5 office job fills me with a sense of loss and resignation. Will this rob me of life faster than my 6 month bubble? Probably. I might be damned either way.

Theres also a growing part of me watching the life clock ticking on the wall – I’m getting older faster (more grey hairs and worry lines) and theres a growing need to 1) do all the things that I need to do in my life (whatever or wherever they are), and 2) be sensible and settle down. That angry little voice that keeps me awake til 4am telling me to get my shit together. Grow up. Settle down. Jump back onto that express train of comsumerisn, debt, responsibility and commitment. Step back into the rat race. I listen to people here in cafes and all they talk about is meaningless garbage. Money. House. This and that. Who did what.

Yikes. Maybe I need to find some new cafes in Christchurch but it really makes me yearn for my little morning coffee runs in Chiang Mai where English is a second language and I dont have to listen to the clutter of useless conversations.

Yes I need to travel again soon. I know. maybe next year. I almost bought a ticket today to be honest. Prices to Thailand are still stupid high so maybe somewhere local. Islands maybe. Meh.

This Antarctic work takes 6 months of your life away at a time. Takes you away from your friends and family and places you in a bubble. Its addictive because its unique, challenging, pays well (at least with the Aussies) and its fun. Mostly. That 6 months quickly becomes years. Those years cant be reclaimed and some relationships cant be recovered.

I see Social media pics of people that I’ve worked with over past seasons – many older than me, trapped in that well paid bubble and acting out their teenage fantasies. All grey hair (or no hair), enjoying life I guess BUT they always seem to be enjoying it with other Antarcticans. Usually drinking heavily but still enjoying. Are they stuck in the bubble now? Probably. I’m limiting my Antarctic friends and trying to meet people that arent in that circle. It’s hard to break out of the bubble but it’s important to try at least.

The lucky ones seem to the be one and dones, first timers that come for the experience then never go back. It used to be that returnees dismissed them generally, annoying newbs all ‘wow’ and ‘amazing’ but maybe they have the right idea after all. Get in, get out and get on with life.

I have three weeks before I start a 3 month contract back at Antarctic a New Zealand to do some mundane IT work – quite literally jammed in a windowless computer room for 40 hours a week on a laptop rollout (which makes me twitch like a trapped animal even thinking about it) . In that time I’ll hear if I get another run at the IT role with the Australian Antarctic Division again for another summer season at the Australian Antarctic bases (which also means that I’ll need to decide to leave my nearest and dearest again for another long stretch)

In the past it would have been a no brainer. This time I’m 50/50 about it. 70/30 even. Wouldnt take much for me to ditch it all and stay in the real world.

Oh and I’ve caught covid finally and am sick today – damn brain fog is making my day Hell . After 3 and a half years of hiding and running from this damn thing (plus many many many vaccinations) it was only a matter of time really. So far so good and only mild symptoms apart from the fog. Was risk managed, timed, planned and executed perfectly.

Covid on my own terms though so not the end of the world. I hate being sick though.

Adulting is hard!

🙂