Oddness

So I need to talk briefly about the creepy hole in my brain.

Its been something that I’ve noticed for a few years now, since Ive been doing this Antarctica thing and definitely getting worse over time. After coming back this last winter its really noticeable – a definite hole in my resting mental state that “feels” like a slowly growing blind spot in my consciousness. Like someone has reached into the middle of my brain with both hands and ever so gently with their fingertips is teasing open a hole thats getting slowly wider and wider and more noticeable each year.

Theres an accompanying disengagement and overall deadness in emotion – a numbing – thats concerning and it feels like a low grade depression with all the trimmings plus theres a definite physical aspect as well now – the aforementioned hole. Trying to explain it to a friend the other day I mentioned that numbness – that I could probably see a baby ran over by a car and not feel anything – and they just looked at me blankly, not really getting it. Not really understanding the disengagement or the emotional flatline.

This whole emotional distancing thing is something I’ve consciously done in the past to cope with the pressures of each Antarctic season – flatline it. Usually I can turn it off and on but maybe I cant turn it off any more. Thats concerning.

Going to try to bump up the exercise and nutrition a bit and see if thats makes a difference. A bit of travel again at the end of November might help as well – hitting some familiar haunts in SE Asia then back to Australia for some long overdue catch ups with friends and family.

Maybe its just part of getting older. Maybe not. Had the usual health checks and physicals and apart from high cholesterol and a minor bit of PSA elevation theres nothing flagged.

Overall life’s pretty stress free at the moment.

Time will tell.

Has anyone else ever felt this?

** edit – seems that upping the diet and exercise worked a little – getting 4 weeks decent sleep actually fixed the issued and at time or writing seems that the hole is my head is closing up nicely. Mostly.

Time will tell.

Off to Chiang Mai again next Saturday for a few weeks R & R.

Should be just the ticket to revive whatever’s gone wobbly.