downtime…

The last 3 years have been a blur with the seemingly constant travel, new experiences and endless motion being both the best and the worst thing about it.

When did 2019 become a thing?

Last time I had a real sense of ‘normal’ it was 2016 and I was fleeing the ‘9-5’ drudgery of an office job, still reeling from an unexpectedly devastating breakup.

This emotional and spiritual vertigo has been my ‘normal’ since then and you kinda lose track of time.

Today I’m living so far away from ‘normal’ that I can’t even see it from here!

These days my tolerance for staying put in one place has become reduced to a week or two before the twitches set in.

That can’t be good. Must be time to settle for a bit.

Currently I’m spinning my wheels back in downtown Dubbo again, waiting for the last thing on my checklist to be completed (the Medical) before I can jump on a plane to New Zealand and start the next Phase of my plan for world domination.

Luckily I have a tolerant (and mostly absent) sister with a large ’empty nester’ house and a spare wing for her itinerant brother to crash in for a few weeks while he gets his shit together and gets over this damn superflu 🤒 that’s been plaguing him for two weeks now.

Thanks Wendy. 😊

(I blame the buses and trains that I’ve been haunting lately – travelling amongst the great unwashed is massively overrated and hazardous to your health.)

*note to self : never take selfies from below.

Coming back to Dubbo is harder each time as I’ve purposefully shredded my ties to this place and apart from my sister and some personal possessions there’s nothing here for me these days. I’m finding that my close friends have left town and relationships that I’d cultivated (hmmm that sounds calculating) have faded.

So I aimlessly wander the streets like some homeless unemployed person (hmmm…cos I am) poking my nose around town and just…watching. Lurking. Whatever you want to call it.

It’s easier now to see the lifecycles/hamster wheels that people here are stuck on (either by choice or complacency). Dubbo is a dangerously comfortable trap –  a warm bath to suicide in.

…tick tock time to go soon I think.

Gotta keep rolling.

All that being said, I guess I’m not actually UNhappy – just a bit meh – is that the same as actually being happy? I dont know. If true happiness is simply the absence of suffering then I must be happy (at least by that yardstick) and should just STFU.

Is that the secret of true happiness? Just lower your expectations?

MAN! Cheery!

I binged a brilliant Netflix show last night (Flowers), and it’s probably the darkest comedy I’ve seen for a long time. Murky and twisted and deliciously dry-blood-black which of course always puts me ‘in a mood’ and sends me on a curvy wanky rant about something.

Some things never change 🙂

At least I have something to look forward to next week apart from the Medical – I get to catch up with my new Sydney friend in Mudgee for some more background work on the Dr Dr tv show filming there (which should be fun) and I might have a small role as a photographer this week (whatever that means).

After next week its either spin my wheels until the end of next month when I need to be in New Zealand to start my predeparture training, or take a short overseas break again, or just find a hole here in Dubbo and hide for a month.

I’ve already read all my books, done my end of financial year hardware replacement shopping, Income tax return, got most of the New Zealand Antarctica shit in a pile (bank accounts, tax file numbers, police checks blah blah blah).

Not enough time to actually DO anything constructive so its like being stuck in a Doctors waiting room for a week.

Waiting is just so…pedestrian.

Heck, it’s winter…I’m allowed to be in a full-but improving winter funk today. Luckily (thanks largely to lack of a motor vehicle) I have a full day of walking ahead just to do the usual Saturday things and pull my head outa my butt.

I hate being bored – also being a massive tightarse $$ doesn’t help.

Maybe I’ll go see a movie.

Meh. Downtime sucks.

 

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