Cycles

Well well well… here we are again.

It’s been close to 10 years now since I started this narrative of sorts, almost exactly to the day even (give or take a few months) and surprise surprise I’m back where I started.

Broken, grieving and being kicked to the curb in the unkindest way.

Only being able to write when you’re in crisis mode is terribly inconvenient.

Where to begin – well initially read my very first post. There are lessons there.

Change out Jen for Simone, make her a beautiful kind and caring kiwi woman (not American) and give her a small child from a previous perilous and destructive relationship. Add an engagement ring she stopped wearing in November (she never knew thats what I intended upon return), throw in buying a house together and committing to a life in Christchurch after years of me roaming back and forth to Antarctica. Then sprinkle in a solid year of living a traditional life together in our new home, sometimes domestic bliss, some times not.

Ups and downs. Personality conflicts. Raising someone elses son and those challenges. Medical emergencies and cancer scares, a relentless assholic meth-using ex that took a drawn out court action and an ass kicking by the police to calm down.

Life, basically.

Two people getting used to each other in the same space day after day. One an absolute caring sweetheart with endless capacity for love and the other a cranky hard to live with asshole with a big mouth.

Guess which is which.

Every day a new challenge but generally fun.

Eventually it started to settle down into a rhythm and a flow but thats when the rot set in.

I never truly engaged with her family and her extended ex-s family ( dont ask – weird relationship) upon whom she relied heavily for care. Thats was a big part of it I think – not engaging fully, not wanting to attend thinga wirh her ex-s family ( although i did a few things) . Being my aloof standalone asshole self as usual though. Not going to school camp. Not being there when i should have been. overly critical. mean.

i totally took this incredible woman for granted.

Hindsight is fkn amazing eh.

Then the death wobbles and miscommunications near the end of 2025, the loss of intimacy ( i could never sleep well in the same bed and it wore me down) and then more shutting down in prep for my recent deployment (yes I’m South again) and finally after some caught out lies and bizarrely out of character behaviour from her another ending when i eventually pressed her for an answer – “whata goin on” and so forth. The response being her choosing to finish our relationship in tears with “I don’t love you any more, we are done” over a video call on Tuesday.

Is she seeing someone else? I trust her when she says no.

No real reason then, just “I’m confused, I need to make hard decisions, I don’t love you any more. Im sorry.

I begged, pleaded, bargained, promised. She shut down, doubled down and then that was that.

A small roadbump in any other adult relationship became a dumpster fire.

Not quite a mirror image but fuck me, I’m starting to think that I might actually be the problem here and im trapped in this cycle of shit that i cant break out of.

At this time I’m 4 days into a breakup that I really didn’t see coming. I thought we’d be together forever.

I’m so hurt and confused and angry and lost and alone all at the same time.

Currently trying to get home, initially to see if we could work through it (hint : she’s made her mind up so sure that isn’t going to happen) but now more damage control and closure.

I just want to see her one more time, sit down and talk. No drama. Just communicate and say goodbye.

I’m owed that much at least I think.

So thats where I am. Trapped on an Antarctic Research Base with 12 admittedly supportive guys, feeling every emotion you can possibly imagine, reaching out to friends like a drowning man in heavy surf, making up every nightmare scenario I can think of and crying like a fkn baby – trying to keep my head above water and still to do my job with a brain full of fog and no short term memory.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

At least its got me writing again and the will to stay alive and thrive will return again I’m sure.

Just gotta hang in there