Cycles

Well well well…here we are again.

It’s been close to 10 years now since I started this narrative of sorts for exactly the reason I’m turning back to it today: almost exactly to the day even (give or take a few months) and surprise surprise I’m back where I started.

Broken, grieving and being kicked to the curb in the unkindest way.

Only being able to write when you’re in crisis mode is terribly inconvenient.

Where to begin – well initially read my very first post. There are lessons there. Youd think that by now I’d have learnt the lesson well.

Turns out I’m just really fucking stupid.

Change out Jen for Simone, make her a beautiful kind and caring kiwi woman and give her a small child from a previous perilous and destructive relationship. Add a civil marriage, stealth engagement ring she stopped wearing in November (she’ll never know thats what I intended upon return this year), throw in buying a house together and committing to a life in Christchurch after years of me roaming back and forth to Antarctica. Then sprinkle in a solid year of living a fairly uncomplicated traditional life together in our new home, sometimes domestic bliss, some times not.

Add the usual Ups and downs. Personality conflicts. Raising someone elses son and those kinda mixed family challenges. Medical emergencies and cancer scares, a relentless assholic meth-using ex that took a drawn out court action and an ass kicking by the police to calm down. Good times and fun times and the odd bad time.

In October 2024 I came back from my last winter in Antarctica, Simone was housesitting still and I was staying with her for while.

We travelled to Chiang Mai together and explored for a few weeks as I recovered from Antarctica – her first trip into Asia. She loved it and she pushed me out of my comfort zone and it was good.

We had talked about buying a house. I didnt want to initially – what she could afford herself here was generally awful but I was still hesitant to jump in – so after a few heated talks and walks (ultimatums really now thinking back – we almost broke up cos I said no) decided to commit. We pooled our savings and bought a nice house together that ticked most if not all of our boxes – in zone for Cashmere High for Theo, plenty of room, close to the city, central to everywhere and near the river and bike paths – each putting in roughly the same amount and taking out a moderate but affordable joint mortgage.

I took a normal IT 9/5 – it was horrific and as soul destroying as the Christchurch winter weather but it paid my half of the morgage. I complained constantly but sucked it up.

She got promoted at work and was loving her new job and new colleagues. New friends and new social life. Started going out and being more social than ever (which was awesome to see as shes more reserved usually than I am)

We were comfortably ensconced in our own easily affordable inner city home and set up for our relatively comfortable life together.

A decent normal peaceful Life.

No frills but importantly No Dramas : no abuse, no alcoholism, no drugs, no financial pressure, no actual really real showstopping problems at all to speak of.

Two people in love getting used to each other in the same space for the first time, day after day for the first time. It’s a revelation and scary as fuck.

One an absolute caring sweetheart and the other a cranky hard to live with asshole with a big mouth (guess whos who)

Every day a new challenge but generally fun as we started to build our life.

BUT…for some reason, be it complacency or familiarity or some other stupid reason we stopped walking and talking. Spent more time on our phones or watching tv. Our relationship slowly changed and slowed. Complacency crept in.

Sure we argued at times. We fought at others. Never over the top though . She cried. I was an asshole. We talked about it eventually, I apologised and made up. Mostly. Every little argument must have chipped away at her though and she never forgot anything I ever said. I let my steam out and it was gone – she held onto hers tightly and then buried it deep where it festered away.

Hindsight sucks balls and I can see most of the signs now that were ignored then. I never truly engaged with her family and especially her extended ex-s family upon whom she relied heavily for Theos care. Thats was a big part of it I think – not engaging fully. Being my aloof standalone asshole self. Not going to school camp, especially the big one at Christmas was my last big mistake when all Theos school friends and families went camping up north.

For all intents and purposes Simone was still a single mum. Where was I??? Not being there when I should have been. Visibly engaged. I fucked up so bad there.

Fuck no wonder shes dumped me.

( but why the fuck should I be friends with her ex partners family! They were lovely and welcoming but WTF)

There were very few challenges for me in this deal : I had it easy but I found myself second fiddle to Theo and that was difficult. Possibly i was jealous, he certainly was. He smothered her and it was a life lived in lockstep with Theos demands for attention and her inflexible daily routine – mostly a result of her diabetes and the toll it took on her if she fell out of routine – but only making time for me only after 8.30pm at night after he monopolises all of her evening time and demands her constant attention before she clocks out at 10pm on autopilot. Addicted to computer games now hes less of an issue. We chat, shes on her phone doom scrolling, we watch tv and fall into bed, asleep in minutes.

Shes an amazing woman whos gone through a lot of pain in her life that I SWORE to her would never happen with us. A loving mother trying to raise her son without repeating the mistakes of her own cold emotionless mother now on marriage number 5.

Mistakes shes unconsciously mirrored several times herself now so yeah sorry a small fail there, Simone.

She had a significant surgery mid year with complications and after that our relationship changed for the worst – intimacy waned.

Slowly the death wobbles began and more miscommunications near the end of 2025, ultimately the loss of intimacy all together as I slept in another room just to get a decent nights sleep (shes a terrible sleeper) .

Then more shutting down in prep for my recent deployment (yes I’m South again) and finally this week after some caught out lies and bizarrely out of character behaviour from her another ending when i eventually pressed her for an answer – “whats goin on” and so forth. The response being her choosing to finish our relationship in tears rather than honestly answer my questions : with “I don’t feel the same way about, Im sorry, we are done” over a video call on Tuesday.

Is she seeing someone else? I trust her when she says no. But … why lie to me? why do you stay out overnight and come home in the early morning wearing the same clothes? Thats not you. Never been you. Why is your phone offline/flat/off but your last location at a strange address sometimes several times a week (we share our locations)? Oh it went flat (though she needs it to manage her diabetes) or I was at the gym or I was shopping/busy/asleep/in bed early. Why was your phone saying otherwise? Oh that address. oh yeah thats my friends place. She had a termination after a one night stand and I was helping her get through it. Shes alone. I stayed over.

Then a week later theres a mysterious boyfriend on the scene there noone knew about. Thought it was a one night stand?

Nothing adds up so I call bullshit. Whats going on?

Then the shocked look, words stop, the waterworks begin, her usual confrontational shutdown… caught out in lie after lie she closes off.

No real reason then, just “I’m confused, I need to make hard decisions, I don’t love you any more. Im sorry”

I begged, pleaded, bargained, promised. She shut down, doubled down and then that was that.

We promised each other going in we wouldnt lie to each other and we wouldnt cheat on each other. They were the dealbreakers.

A small roadbump in any other adult relationship became a dumpster fire.

Not quite a mirror image but fuck me, I’m starting to think that I might actually be the problem here and im trapped in this cycle of shit that i cant break out of.

At this time I’m 4 days into a breakup that I really didn’t see coming. I thought we’d be together forever.

I’m so hurt and confused and angry and lost and alone all at the same time.

Currently trying to get home, initially to see if we could work through it (hint : she’s made her mind up so sure that isn’t going to happen) but now more about damage control and closure.

I just want to see her one more time, sit down and talk. No drama. Just communicate, make some plans and say goodbye.

I’m owed that much at least I think.

This is mostly my fault again and these goddamned cycles of behaviours I’m stuck in but for the love of God I just need a break please.

Lotto win maybe?

So thats where I am.

Trapped on an Antarctic Research Base with 12 admittedly supportive guys, feeling every emotion you can possibly imagine, reaching out to friends like a drowning man in heavy surf, making up every nightmare scenario I can think of and crying like a fkn baby – trying to keep my head above water and still to do my job with a brain full of fog and no short term memory.

I feel so betrayed and let down.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

At least its got me writing again and the will to stay alive will return again I’m sure.