broken…

So I jumped into a future that was uncertain and cloaked in lies. No ‘chute or safety net to speak of apart from good friends far and away supporting me gently (but warily) as my life collapsed.

Given the timely opportunity to come back home on a charter military flight (funnelling US military out of McMurdo into God knows what in the Middle East) I leapt at the chance. Flight delays and weather delays and crew issues meant that my departure date was pushed back several times (5 days late) sending me into an anxiety spiral culminating into what I could only assume was a panic attack.

Feeling odd all through dinner on Wednesday, my McMurdo friends chatted and patiently put up with my weird mood. Walking back to the dormitories my nervous system gave up, body devolving into an ice-cold trembling mess locked in place on a McMurdo stairwell. Paralysed, barely able to speak and not able to move forwards or backwards I thought I was going to die. My dear friend asked”whats wrong” and I mumbled “Dont know, I might be having a heart attack. “No it’s’ a panic attack, trust me” she was sure, leading me to her dorm room to talk me down off whatever ledge my nervous system had decided to jump from.

It was not a fun experience and I don’t want that to happen again please. Talking me down, the vice crushing on my chest relaxed and I could slowly, rationally examine what was happening. Panic attack. Fuck. Asshole.

Emotions are a bitch.

When the flight was in the air on Thursday I was still numb in mind and body though. My head full of cotton wool and hands trembling. I tried to hide it from my Scott Base crew but every time I tried to talk the trembles and tears came and it became impossible to control my emotions. They wanted to have a ‘Farewell Jamie’ dinner for the night before – I politely declined (well maybe not so politely) and the locker room Farewell (a tradition) was muted. The trip out to the airfield with Greg was spectacular as usual and we arrived just as the charter jet landed. What would usually fill me was excitement elicited nothing. I was completely dead inside and barely holding it together.

This was bad – every moment felt like I was taking a breath in but never exhaling, pressure building and building and building.

The flight home was short – 5 hours to contemplate exactly how fucked my life was and what I would find when I got back to the real world. A brick of anxiety lodged firmly in the centre of my chest, heart racing and mind numb I sat amongst the happy returning American military personal and eventually spat out with them on the tarmac – a shortcut through customs and immigration and a detour through Duty Free for some whisky and I was home.

No-one was there to meet me. Hustled through a side door, I was alone in a bubble of misery and with every step I took towards whatever truths were awaiting me here the brick of anxiety in my chest got larger, heavier. My hands were shaking again and my nervous system was fucked, Topping up my phone credit, transferring some money around online and ordering an Uber from the airport to my temporary accommodation was robotic and seemed unreal. Staying at a friend’s house as I couldn’t go home seemed unfair. What had I done? deserve better than this don’t I? When I had left our bed 8 weeks earlier, kissing Simone gently and saying bye at 4am and heading to the airport I had no idea that was the last time we would be together.

Messaging Simone a quick “I’m back, see you tomorrow” message on the way in from the airport, there was no reply. Arriving at Kates house, (just 20 minutes walking from my own home and my own bed) she was out and the place was quiet. I settled in to the small empty house, took a deep shaky breath and the darkness and silence overwhelmed me – I fell apart. Splintered into sharp fragment of emotion each hitting hard, stabbing deep and drawing blood.

Broken. Again.

Friday came and after a sleepless night got ready for our scheduled meeting at home – imagine having to schedule a meeting with your partner at your own house – and I had no idea what to expect.

Turns out neither did she.