…creatively, I can only seem to function in crisis mode.
When things are going along nicely, my little dark wordy well of hopelessness and despair runs dry, along with any desire to write or create or share.
‘Thank Fuck! – keep your whiny bullshit to yourself’, you cry.
Fear not and rest assured, Dear Reader, that as soon as I attempt to engage anyone socially, some amusing shit will happen and the well shall fill again. And you’re gonna read about it.
*I also swear a lot when I’m annoyed – personality flaw #34
You are welcome.
Lately my brain is bursting with ‘whys’, ‘wheres’, and ‘wtf’s’ and I gotta get this shit outta my head and be done with it.
Writing does exactly that for me and by casting out these thoughts into the ether I can hopefully let them go.
No surprises for guessing why the restless mind though (if you really think about it for a second and have been following my path)
Yes, of course its woman related. It always seems to circle back to that.
This time it goes a little something like this…
I’ve been back from Antarctica for about 8 weeks now – the first few weeks were spent readjusting to a very real and soberingly regional Dubbo world, and then quickly and solidly reinserting a social filter before I got murdered by some irate ‘norm’ (whilst simultaneously removing my head from my ass).
Somehow, in this brief 8 week period of WTF I found, jumped into and subsequently blew an unexpectedly brilliant opportunity with an extremely good woman.
It started with an almost accidental date to see a film ( say ‘almost accidental’ as I didn’t expect her to say yes – but I still asked)
… cmon!!!! it’s a perfect first-date flick and you know it.
She loved it, I loved it, I walked her to her car, we small talked while she fished out her keys, we kissed, then kissed again, said good night, she turned and tried to get into the wrong car (that looked the same as her own that was actually parked a few spaces back)… totally perfect first date 👌🏻.
Such a beautiful place to start and it just evolved organically from there.
It was going so well until it wasn’t.
I’m not quite sure why (and even if) it’s tanked just yet and that’s really the crux of it.
A ‘fail’ on this one is just doing my head in as on paper, we’re an almost perfect match.
It’s not so much that I tanked it (**yet to be proven**), but I really don’t know what I did. This is a common theme apparently.
I was just being myself and I guess that not enough or too much for some.
I also talk a lot of shit when I’m nervous or invested.
Yeah that was probably it.
In any case she’s just stopped communicating now, after a 5 day long weekend together in Melbourne that we were both super excited about (and which was admittedly quite a lot to bite off for both of us – shes just out of a 2 year relationship and I’m just 2 years past the whole Jen episode).
But we wanted to get to know each other so went for it.
*Feel free to chime in – wtf women? what is the deal here. 3 days of normal, then 2 days of hiding in a freezing impenetrable bubble of indifference. I’m totally confused.
We don’t live in the same city which makes things a little tricky also.
Look I’m not even sure if its over – (although i guess if she reads this then its ‘job done’) – there’s just no momentum now or communication at all from her compared to the previously daily chats and hour long phone calls.
Now there are brief responses, one word answers, and a callus cordiality.
Hey I get it, you know, shes not into me now and I can dig it but it’s her radical change of pace and policy without so much as a “Hey I’m outta here’ that is puzzling.
Nothing I can do about it now anyway. Dont want to be ‘that guy’ – the one that can’t take a hint.
News flash – just tell me, don’t hint.
Aaaaaaaargh. So annoying.
Anyway…fuck it, I guess.
I’m in Thailand again now and it doesn’t matter as much. I’ve physically removed myself from the situation. Her loss. I’m awesome.
Just landed at Chiang Mai today, checked into my fave hostel (Bed Addict) and having breakfast at my fave cafe (The Larder).
…at least the Larder girls were happy to see me back and even remembered my coffee 🙂
The words are flowing nicely so standby as life unfolds and moves forward again at least for the next month or so, and loose plans are forming as to my travels from here…
I’ll keep you posted.
**if u do read this, HA ! Just kidding. 🙂