Its challenging to do nothing.
Yesterday was spent moving from the guest house in the city out to my temporary home away from home a little further out from the general hubbub of Nimmanahaeminda Road (Google it) and a bit closer to nature.
Meetings, packing, moving, running around. Then it was done and I was alone.
…now what?
It was dead silent most of last night, except for the gentle whining of the mosquitoes and the hypnotic tickticktick of the electric mosquito repellent gadget my host had kindly left for me.
So I had plenty of time to do nothing. Instead I bustled around, checking my super fast internet, flicking through Netflix, Facebook, news sites, job sites, entertainment sites, travel sites, organising my gear, reorganising my gear again, tidying up and generally having a good sticky beak around. I watched a NBC lifestream to see what was going on in the world. Brexit, Nazis, violence. I turned it off fairly quickly. How do I distract myself from myself?
Hmmm…
OK lets try to read.
I’m reading a few books at the moment – Both of these are appealing to me for very different reasons.. what I’m carrying around in my bag is ‘Wild’ by Cheryl Strayed (yes that one), and a fascinating title by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D that a friend recommended called “The Body Keeps The Score – Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of trauma”.
The former has really resonated with me lately and has probably had a direct impact on me being where I am right now. The very idea of cutting yourself out of societies picture and undertaking a spirit journey of self appeals to both the explorer and the mild sociopath in me (the compulsive sex, infidelity, and heroin addiction don’t apply). When you hit bottom and claw your way back up again on so many levels. Beautiful. I will do the Pacific Crest trail next year, Spring 2017, after some prep and training of course. Ive experienced some of this stunning country and I need to immerse myself in it completely forever.
The latter explores the effects of violent trauma (PTSD specifically) and how it can severely compromise an individuals capacity for pleasure, love, self control and trust (amongst other things) and further explores possible therapeutic treatments utilising the brains neuroplasticity; like sports, drama, meditation and yoga. Its fascinating and scary and unfortunately/fortunately explains a lot of things that have been bugging me over the years. So many lightbulb moments for me in this book. Looks like I’m on the right track (more on that later, I hardly know you!)
So I read and read and read until I fell asleep with the book falling onto my chest. And it was the best nights sleep I’ve had in ages.
So whats my point? – I have to allow myself to be still. Force myself. To shape this internal monologue rather than just let it control me. To let distractions fall away (no I’m not going to say ‘live in the moment’ or ‘be mindful’ but that’s what it is I guess) To wean myself off this Western notion of always keeping busy and being productive. Activity is my heroin and its a fucker of a withdrawal.
I guess that now I’m settled, at last or the next month, I have time to do nothing, to explore not just this country but myself as well.
And what am I doing right now? Sitting in a vegan cafe called The Larder having a vegetarian breakfast and a coffee – reading my books, staying mindful, and slowing down.
Oh its Jens’s birthday today. Happy Birthday JK! I sent flowers anyway. Birthdays are special.
Man Down! 
Jamie,
I thought this might ring some bells for you – its from a guy called Sam Licata who has a blog (just like you do)
Underneath the rich emotional landscape, the hopes, the fears, and the dreams, you may notice a subtle burning, a longing for aliveness, to fully participate in this world. As you fall asleep, as you wake in the morning, speak with others, and move through your day… the burning is your subtle companion.
This movement can appear as an actual sensation in the body or more energetically as the activity of reorganization within you. Something is calling, drawing you close, but you can’t quite reach it by way of the known. It is just too creative. You can sense the aliveness, but it is not solid or resolvable in any way. It does not provide answers, but only endless reminders of how vast the question really is.
For some, this experience is associated with profound melancholy, for others an actual ache in the heart, and for others feelings of hopelessness, despair, joy, or bliss. You are being called back home, but it is not the home of what has come before. It is into your homeless nature, as a wanderer and explorer of the mystery.
For those who are attuned to this movement, it can appear as an actual substance, a type of nectar – come to seed new pathways, dissolving what you thought you knew about yourself, this world, intimacy, “spirituality,” and why you’re here. This substance is a primordial drop of integration, symbolizing the end of one world so that another can begin.
As you learn to stay embodied, present, and kind to the fires or reorganization, you may come to see the burning as a sacred friend, though at times a very wrathful one – an old unmet part of you, not come to harm but to reveal something that you may have forgotten about the wild, untamed, relentless nature of love.
The burning is not an obstacle on your path, but is the very path itself. As you surround it with your warmth and holding, it will purify your heart and your connection with beings everywhere, so that you can be here fully, and help others in unknowable, infinite ways.
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That’s close to the mark indeed 🙂 thanks steve
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